wish I could be…maintenance-free

May 28, 2012

I’m in such a freaking crankypants-y mood today. There’s a lot of stuff swirling around in my brain. I spent the morning doing chores around the house, and it feels like some hormones are elbowing their way to the front of the Line of Annoyance. Once there, the ever-gaining hormones keep poking me in the head. Constantly. Like a bratty little brother. I’d like to scream at them to knock it the hell off, but then I’d scare those around me in real life, so I won’t. Although those around me are probably afraid anyway, because of the way I’ve been acting today.

On this, the last day of the 3-day weekend, I vacuumed and washed the mostly hardwood and little bit of tile floors throughout the ground floor of our townhome. It’s not like it’s a huge space, so I really shouldn’t even think twice about it. And I’m glad when it’s done, for the few brief shining moments before dogs or daughter or adults get stuff on it and start the cycle again. I should be glad to be able to get into the work, get it done, and enjoy the results.

Except that lately, I’m just overwhelmed with the maintaining of everything, both diabetes-related and not. The second the last bit of laundry is done, there are more clothes in the baskets to clean. The clean dishes get put away, and there are more on the counter that need to be washed. The last square foot of floor is vacuumed and scrubbed, and the dogs come scattering through with hair and dirt and dogginess. It’s like a neverending run on the treadmill–lots of effort (sometimes), but never getting anywhere.

Add the diabetes-related chores to the list of  household chores that never end, and I am just not entirely sure where there is anything different from one day to the next. Blood test, bolus for carbs or correction, test, test, test, respond, treat low, test, test, test, exercise, deal with whatever happens due to exercise, change pump site/CGM sensor site, test, test, tell CGM to shut up, again, test, test, freak out about potential impending complications, freak out about new weird physical changes and whether or not they’re diabetes-related, test, test, stress…and so it goes. I’ve blogged about it before, too, so even that’s redundant. Nothing new.

Maintenance…

It’s a nevernending and never-certain chore, this diabetes maintenance. The only other option I see is non-maintenance, otherwise known as ignoring D intentionally or being in denial of it unintentionally, and neither of those seem like good options to me, for me. When I don’t test for several hours, and when I go on a rant of eating tons of junk food and sweets just because I feel like it and no one can stop me damn it, it doesn’t feel good. I have to fight for hours after to get my BG back down to where I feel okay. So that really doesn’t do much to help me feel less burdened from taking care of D. It’s a pain in the ass.

Truth be told, there’s not much to be happy and proud about when I’m doing all the d-maintenance stuff RIGHT, either. A lower HbA1c is great and nice and fun to look at when the test results are ready, but then what? There’s no gold star, no award, and no fun summer vacay as a result. Just get back on the treadmill and keep running, thanks. Don’t stop. Don’t slow down. Just keep going.

I think I have burned out. (I can’t stand the look of the word “burnt,” it just seems wrong.I just can’t use it. Besides, if I’m describing a negative result of having burned the candle at both ends, let’s say, then I want to use the word “burned”–it’s more active.) Not entirely sure how to fix it, how to get back into the swing of things. In a few days, hopefully things won’t seem so dire and forlorn when the hormones have lessened to some extent.

More maintenance chores: I have the annual Dr. D-eyeball appointment in a couple of weeks. Of course I’m freaking about it. And oh, look at that–I scheduled it for the day before my 32nd diaversary. Hmmm. I also requested the forms to see if I can get my medical records from 1980, when I was diagnosed with type 1 and admitted to the hospital for 13 days after coming into the ER, and from another time around 1984, when I was in the hospital for a few days with DKA after secretly refusing to give my shots for about a month or so. I’m trying to figure out if I need to go in, and if so, to what kind of dr., regarding my ongoing stint with super dry eyes and dry mouth that are driving me nuts. My mom was diagnosed with Sjogren’s syndrome a few years ago, and I’m freaked that I might have it too. Autoimmune and all. The more the merrier. Or, the seasonal allergies could just be after me worse than ever before this year…who knows.

I’m just super tired of maintaining. But there’s not much else to do…just keep going. Wish I could hire a trainer to carry the worry and do all  the maintenance business for me, just for a couple of days. I’d like to try something new, and not have to keep doing it for years and years and years. Just be able to put it down when I was tired of it. Just for a little while. That would be awesome.

At least the floor is clean. Or was for a few hours, before the dogs came back inside.

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31 years and some cupcakes, too

June 13, 2011

Here’s the thing: Today is my 31st anniversary of my type 1 diabetes diagnosis.

It’s my 31-year diaversary, if you will. And while I hoped to offer a post containing all kinds of witty musings and tender lessons learned, complete with inspirational how-to’s and potentially-scary things gone awry that turned out to be funny and fine after some unexpected help…I’m not really feeling it. Sorry about that.

I’ve been trying to write this specific post in the few weeks since my last one. After I got all revved up and started with d-blog week 2011 (which was awesome, and quite the cool way to start this whole d-blog thing.Thank you, Karen!), I lost some steam. We had a ton of guests coming to stay at our house one week after another; lots of excitement with end-of-school-year and other special events; and just not a lot of time to actually sit down and type any of the things I’m thinking about D into a blog post.

However, I did have the opportunity to do a guest blog for Kim at Texting My Pancreas, and just finished another for Meredith at with a side of insulin that you’ll see on June 15.

Anyway, a lot has gone on. Other major life things happened, and lots of not-so-major life things too, that occupied my head and heart right along with D:

*Ms. Diva had her preschool “graduation” (Really? She’s five!) and kindergarten registration for August.

*Ms. Diva also had her first ballet performance, where she realized that she is meant for the stage with an “I belong here” look in her eyes as she promptly stopped doing much dancing so she could search the audience for her family and give us a huge smile.

*My mom traveled to visit us for the week of both of Ms. Diva’s events.

*My partner and I celebrated our 16th anniversary last week. And after a year in the new home/town, we actually found a wonderful SITTER(!) who lives just around the BLOCK(!) and whom Ms. Diva LOVES(!). Now we get to go to a movie next month, too! HALLELUJAH!!

*A good friend just gave birth to a beautiful baby girl. Hello, Baby M! Congrats, Mama and Papa!

*It was my nephew’s 2nd birthday this weekend. Happy birthday, adorable boy!

*My best friend finalized and accepted an offer for an awesome new job that will take her from Northern California to Rhode Island. I’m so. totally. excited. for her, and at the same time, sad that she’ll be so far away. Another of our supergood friends and I had a gorgeous farewell dinner with her, and then she spent a whole day with me, my partner, and Ms. Diva this weekend with all kinds of yummy treats (Sift Cupcakery and In-N-Out Burger, anyone? Yes, please!)

*I’ve been working on keeping up with 4-5 bouts of walking/running per week. I love this major life change, but it still takes a lot of my focus and attention in order to keep going and not slack off.

So…thirty-one years. That’s a hell of a lot of time. Most of my life. And what do I have to show for it?

So far, on one hand: A whole lot of not-too-much, for which I am insanely grateful and lucky. I’m not sure that I deserve not having much of any complications that my doctors and I are aware of at this point in time, other than recent root planing and laser treatments in all 4 quadrants of my mouth, combined with a grievance/appeal to my dental coverage to get an exception so they would pay the benefit.  Although it could change at any moment, I’ll take it and be thankful.

On the other hand, I have many many minutes, energy, dollars, focus, sweat, tears, concern, annoyance, anger, frustration, and ME to show for 31 years with D. It’s me testing the BG and glancing at the CGM throughout all of the special events above; chugging some juice before the ballet so that I can smile big right back at Ms. Diva while she’s on stage; SWAGing the carb count for the yummy Korean dinner with my BFFs; schooling the dental coverage provider that treatment of gum disease earlier than later is the standard of care for women with diabetes, so even though I didn’t have too terrible of gum disease YET, I needed the treatment; etc. etc. etc. It’s me thinking 24/7, making choices, balancing the best and the worst D-options and trying to come out with some solutions that work best for me, my loved ones, and the life that is ours.

After 31 years with D, I can’t spend 5 minutes with someone without showing them some small evidence of it. That’s okay. It’s how I need it to be. Diabetes is everywhere, a huge part of my identity, and unhealthy for me to ignore or deny.

D shows up all throughout my days and my life; but it is not the meaning of my day–or my life.

(Now, cupcakes, especially from Sift, could very well be the meaning of life! Or at least, the meaning of my 31st diaversary! I got a few to sample in honor of the day. Photos will be taken and posted soon, I promise.)


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